Period.

My periods have never been easy for me. I was complaining about it’s inevitable arrival and a curious friend of mine questioned “Don’t you ever get used to it?" Considering that he has never experienced the wonder that is menstruation, seems like a valid doubt. I said  “No”. Yes, I have experienced over 245 (give or take 5) periods in my life. It started when I was 13 years old and I’m 33 today. I can say without a doubt, I’m not used to it. I'm not the same as I was when I was 13, my body has undergone so many changes, experienced grief, loss and pain, suffered through high stress levels and triumphed over many upheavals. I am a complicated 33 year old and my periods reflect that.

Up until recently, the big challenge for me has always been physical pain in the form of severe cramps. Two blissful years after starting my period, the cramps began to systemically accompany my cycle. During good period days I am balled up on the floor, writhing in pain and crying. Worse periods days include severe bouts of nausea, migraines, soreness in body, roller coaster moods, terrible diarrhea, and a sprinkle of fainting spells. It’s the stuff of my nightmares, its right up there with other greatest hits - teeth falling out, forgetting to study for an exam and run! it’s the apocalypse. I do dread my periods.

Let's make things a little more "exciting", and bring in the South East Asian culture and tradition based menstruation taboos into this mix. Menstrual taboos that are tied together with one single belief - the menstruating body is unclean and impure. I come from a family where following these taboos stayed within the confines of my grandmother's house (and her generation). My mother chose to do away with the restrictions and the rules, so I never had to experience or practice them, up until I was 31 years old.  My husband's family has a staunch belief in practice of the menstrual regulations. They are to be strictly followed. Don’t touch this, don’t sit there, don’t enter the kitchen, don’t sleep on your bed, no sleeping during the day, etc. It came as quite a shock, shattering the rose tinted glasses I had been wearing for so long. On the outside I froze. Numbed myself, did what I was told, disconnecting myself from my reality. On the inside, I was raging storm. I was so mad at myself, at my inability to say no and stand up for myself.

Should I just follow these "rules"? Can I rebel and fight back now? Does it even make sense to kick up a storm and disrupt the peace of the house? Maybe I can just follow these rules and deep down reject these ideas and values? Maybe it doesn’t mean anything. They are just empty actions. Born out of this internal debate and struggle is ‘Un-desired’. First conceptualized in October 2019, it was born out of a need to make sense of this struggle.

 In June 2019, I started a course with Integrated Movement studies to certify in Laban/ Bartenieff Movement Analysis. One of the core ideas of this system is that our bodies are intelligent, sensitive and holds memories, desires, emotions and knowledge. It isn't just a vehicle to help us navigate through our life but it defines how we experience it. Irmgard Bartenieff believed movement new brought knowledge that cannot be accessed by linear intellectual probing. Her student, Peggy Hackney talks about it in great detail in her book ‘Making Connections’ -

"Moving and a willingness to perceive movement, brings access to bodily knowledge - particularly the feeling connection between thoughts. Moving reveals the nature of the relationship between ideas - patterns of contexture, or the interweaving of parts'".

 I was curious to see, what patterns would come to light if I lived in my body - feeling everything. As I continue to work on myself to resolve this personal struggle, I see how they aren't any empty gestures or actions. I understand it isn't just doing something, it isn't just moving. Especially when it comes to following menstrual taboos. There is repetition, it becomes a ritual! A dangerous one, that reinforces the belief that I am unclean and impure into my body in practice of the taboo. This sets down patterns and habits that define my behaviour, my personality. It carries meaning and has the capacity to impact my relationship to my body and my life.

 I am a part of a culture that encourages women to abandon their bodies and so others can own and govern it.  A culture that perpetuates the notion that shame and guilt is the glue that holds a women body together. Women are rewarded for being meek, obedient and self-less. I believe in new beginnings. A fresh start by living in our bodies and rediscovering the SELF, we had abandoned somewhere along the way.